Here’s my problem: I was raised in a Catholic school for 8 years. Our family (mom and dad are drunks – let’s be real) would go to church every Sunday. PLUS in school we would go on Wednesdays AND we had Religion classes.

So yea. Brainwash central.

I was taught that man and women were a couple, marriage was forever and holy. blah, blah, blah. You know the rest.

Now I’ve not been to church in GOD knows when – ZOMG! A ironic JOKE! – and in fact the last time I was there was when we were having a funeral for him.

Yet there’s still this block in my mind that prevents it to being truly open about things.

She tells me she loves him. She tells me she loves me. I love her. I love him.

But there’s still something holding me back!

Is it the brainwashing that I had done at an early age? If you don’t really believe in the Catholic God but believe that there is, indeed, a “supreme being” wouldn’t that being want you to just be happy? I mean being happy is good for you! Happy and love are the two best feelings in the world!

So what is it? What’s wrong with me?

You should find it ironic that someone who others would consider “normal” asks what is wrong with him when he thinks having more than one lover is perfectly fine – and that it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman.

That part scares the “normal” me. It excites the “abnormal” me.

So who do I let win?

We are supposed to go over to some friends tomorrow. It should be interesting.

I’m not really sure how much I’ll continue to blog here. It’s hard to write about the things that go on in my head. I think about them all the time but am never near a computer to put them down. Then I get frightened that I’m letting too much of myself spill out here in this secret area.

I guess this is my alone page. These may be the thoughts I’m thinking when I’m feeling alone.

I have someone in my life who loves me. She loves another as well. I should just be open to that. But it’s hard. I know she wouldn’t mind if I found someone as well but, again, weird. Most people are trained to handle only one relationship. How do you handle two or three?

Anyway. Gonna stop now before I think about all the shit that’s beginning to pile up and start to break down.

I have to be strong. Somehow.

She wore the red lingerie for him today. How do I know that? Because I noticed.

I have a tendency to notice the little things. Like when I get home and the dishes haven’t been touched. In fact, there’s even more than when the day started. So I do them.

I wash the dishes.

Then it’s time to make dinner because, well, she’s hungry. That’s what I do.

I make dinner.

But wait! I have to make coffee so I can have it ready in the morning to make for her!

I make the coffee.

Yet she wore the sexy red lingerie for him and even cleaned the bedroom.

Why not me?